Question: Dear Love Doctor, I have been divorced a couple of years now and have done some dating. A few questions for you…first one is around knowing when to trust your gut and when to analyze a relationship? And second, how do you balance letting someone ‘in’ to the real you with wanting to protect yourself and not wanting to get hurt??
The Love Doctor’s Answers: Good questions! Both of your questions revolve around trust. How do you know if you can trust a dating partner?
Trust is an important and necessary aspect of any romantic relationship. When we trust someone, we believe that person tells us the truth—at least doesn’t lie to us—and that he or she has our best interests at heart. We are also more likely to trust someone whose behavior is reliable. Trust takes time in any relationship, it doesn’t develop over night. Bear in mind though, that trust is always a two-way street; you need to find a partner who is trustworthy (dependable, reliable, honest), AND you need to have the ability or skill to trust others. Often times, if someone has been hurt in a previous relationship (e.g., difficult divorce, partner had an affair), it takes longer for that person to trust and they analyze the relationship a lot more.
Here are my Love Doctor tips. Take your time. Figure out whether you can trust a partner by asking yourself questions like: Does he care about my feelings and thoughts? Does he ask questions to get to know me better? When he picks a movie for the two of us to see, does he remember what I like (or liked in the past)? And, when he says that he will show up, call, or meet my friends, does he make good on his promises? Then, see whether there are any danger signs in the relationship. You know what I mean—the red flags that tell you to stay away—like he never wants to pay for dinner because he always forgets his wallet. Lastly, identify whether you want to share and disclose personal details of your life with this person. We want to self-disclose information to a partner we trust.
In the end, if your answers to the “trust” questions above are yes, and you do want to share personal details of your life with this person—then unless you see big danger signs, go with your gut and don’t analyze too much, at least at the beginning of the relationship.
Question: Dear Love Doctor, What are some tips to be able to figure out if he is into ‘you for you’ or just for the sex? Thanks.
The Love Doctor’s Answers: Here are some signs to know if a relationship is something serious or just a fling. What signals or cues should you be looking for?
1. Discussions about Future. People in love (or committed to one another) fantasize about the future. It doesn’t guarantee a future to imagine what life could be like together ten or twenty years from now, but the absence of any such hopeful plans is a not a good sign. The future can be next weekend, next holiday break or next year!
2. Family and Friends. Someone who is serious about you (and not in it just for the sex) wants you to know and get along with his/her friends and family. You should know most or all of the people who matter to this person. Also, someone who is serious wants to know all about you—and also wants to impress your family and friends.
3. Able to Contact. Your partner should always want you to be able to find him/her. Aren’t you two a team? Wouldn’t your partner want you to know where they are if you had any trouble in your life? If your partner is talking about how they need “space” or privacy, ask them for specifics (how long and for what)? It is one thing to want independence, and another to want “space!”
4. Say I love you without being prompted.
The lack of these signals isn’t bad if you are in a young relationship, but if you have been together for more than a year, and you don’t see these signals, then be honest and ask your partner what he/she wants. You’ll never know for sure unless you ask the person directly.
6 Comments
September 5, 2008 at 2:37 pm
what do i do. I have liked this boy that my cousin is close to, since i was 11 and i’m now going to be 17 in about 3 months and i never had a relationship with him but i’m in love with him and he knew i liked him backed then but he told my cousin i was to young and he’s only 2 1/2 years older than me and he jus had a baby a few months ago and all the girls he has relationships with keep cheating on him and he is currently single. What do I do?
October 1, 2008 at 1:28 pm
hi
October 14, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Please excuse my grammar. I did send that without proofing. I would just like to say, What in the world is going on with me. By the way, I am a 37 year old mother with 5 children.
January 17, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I love this guy who was there in my office 1 and a half year back.. He knows this and even knows that i’m pretty serious for him. I’ve waited for him to say his part for more than a year. but, till now he has be running around the bush. He doesn’t says a yes or a no.. i don’t know what to do. I don’t ask him coz i feel that would be like forcing him.. but i think that he’s taking me for a ride. Please suggest as i’m too confused and depressed b’coz of this.. I don’t know why do i love him. But hes the only guy whom i have trusted completely and blindly. Please help me!
January 17, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Should I ask him directly or should i wait.. Its all too confusing as I do not have any hope or expectations out of him any more….. But i won’t be able to ask him on face and he won’t let me know over the phone.. Please let me know some easy way out.
February 9, 2009 at 6:43 am
hi,
i am jordan i am 9 years of age an a female,
i really like this boy in our class but he is goin out with my best friend,i dont want too hurt her but i really want too go out with him what shall i do ?
i dont want to do nothin harsh too her really i have been on love calculators and every thing please can you give me some advice ???
write back soon jordan xx