Question: Dear Love Doctor, I am confused…Perhaps, I’m just not ready for a relationship? Here is the background: I’ve been dating this great guy for many months. He is kind, he is nice, but he is “vanilla.” We are more than friends and are intimate, but there is a lack of spark or chemistry. Do I wait and see if things will change?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: When people aren’t ready for a relationship, they aren’t willing or able to trust and really care about another person (yet). They don’t want to integrate family and friends, and they shy away from fantasizing about the future with their partner. This doesn’t sound like you. Instead, you are saying there is a lack of passion or spark in your current relationship. You need that excitement at the beginning of a relationship. I understand you really want the chemistry to be there, since this guy is kind, nice and an all around great person. Try doing some exciting activities together—like roller coaster rides, hiking in the mountains, or salsa dance lessons—sometimes these sorts of activities if done together can ignite passion and excitement in a relationship. But if this doesn’t work and after several months there is still a lack of spark or chemistry, you are ready for a relationship, just not with this guy!
Question: Dear Love Doctor, I am in my 40s without kids and therefore end up dating women who have kids. I think in a perfect world I would date women that are kids-free, but they number pretty few. Therefore, I am left dating women with kids which is okay. Question: should I be concerned with the kids’ ages? Obviously, if I wait until my 50s and date women of similar age then the kids might be out of the house, which would be easier. However, if I date women my age currently, then they are apt to have 2-3 kids <10 years old and then what am I getting myself into?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: It is true that most women in their 40’s will have children, although not all of them. The younger the children, the more you could be a part of their lives. If that is an uncomfortable feeling, then pay attention to the children’s ages not the woman’s age. Some women in their 40’s will have children living out of the house or living part time with ex-partners. And even these situations have their challenges. It might be important for you to think about the fact that any woman in her 40’s or 50’s will have some sort of “baggage” that she brings to the relationship. It may be children, an elderly ill parent, a 70 hour work week, a set of committed friends, or a close and enmeshed family. Remember, everyone comes to a relationship with his/her own set of baggage! But regarding women with children, you have a few options. You can acknowledge that women with young children might have less time, energy and resources to spend on you. That may sound discouraging, but bear in mind that also puts less pressure on you to expend time, energy and resources on them. You will have more independence and time for you. You also could recognize that women with young children are often giving and very loving people. You could reap the benefits of all this love, affection, giving and caring.
1 Comment
October 14, 2008 at 7:43 pm
I am a married women of 12 years. In the last 3 months I have had relations with two of my male friends and now am approached by a third. Why is this happening to me. Do I put off a vibe that draws men to me. And then why is it that I can not resist them. I know that I am bored with my own sexual life, but can not continue to give in when these men approach me. How could I ever tell my husband. What’s worse I kinda like the attention. I does stimulate things when I am with my husband.