Question: Dear Love Doctor,
I’ve recently begun dating a nice person and we are intimate. However, I am less than confident they are “my soul mate” and therefore I wonder if I should keep my eyes open and consider dating other people sequentially and/or in parallel.
The question is timing: should I give my current relationship the full opportunity to develop into something truly meaningful OR cut it off before anybody gets hurt OR continue dating until I find somebody else that I want to date and then sever the incumbent relationship before I start dating the new person?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: Good trusting relationships take time and hard work. They don’t just happen. They are never perfect, and who is 100% confident right from the start? At the beginning of a relationship, some people are unsure if this is the right person and then only time will tell. So, if you are unsure, give your current relationship the full opportunity to develop. But, if you know for sure this person is not the one, then recognize that you are not (N-O-T) going to find a potential soul mate by hanging on to your current relationship. The fact that you would consider continuing your current relationship while actively looking for someone better, tells me that you might be afraid to be alone. You need to end this one before you’ll find the right one.
Question: Dear Love Doctor,
I am in the process of getting divorced and have recently re-entered the dating scene after a decade-in fact I don’t feel like I really was ever on the dating scene since I have moved from relationship to relationship. I have met a really great guy who I definitely feel a connection with but I am afraid of it moving too fast and repeating the same pattern. Most people I talk to warn me about getting too serious too fast and want me to consider dating multiple people or at least leaving my options open. I guess I just don’t really get how to do that when you like one person and want to see how that progresses - how do you really date other people too?? I want to be fair to myself and fair to others. I would like to get remarried one day but I am not in a hurry and want my next marriage to last a lifetime. What do you recommend?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: As a therapist, when anyone ends a long term relationship, I encourage them to sit down and think about: a) why they were attracted to their ex-partner in the first place, b) what was it about the relationship that didn’t work out, and c) how are they responsible for what didn’t work out. Can you answer these questions? This process (not the dating of multiple partners) is what will help you not repeat the same old patterns in a new relationship. My guess is that you have felt emotionally disconnected to your ex- for quite some time. So, although you are just in the process of getting a divorce, you have been separated (emotionally) for a long time. If this is true, you haven’t jumped quickly into a new emotional connection. I would encourage you to stop listening to the people you talk to. You seem to have a good handle on your feelings, go with them. You really want to see how this relationship progresses, and you know yourself. If you say you won’t be able to date multiple people, then you won’t. Remember, just because you are getting divorced doesn’t mean that you can’t trust your feelings. But be honest with the guy in your life. Tell him you want (and need) to take it slowly, but you’re definitely interested.
Question: Dear Love Doctor,
I am curious about your opinion on whether or not that “wow” feeling is something that must be felt almost immediately in a dating setting in order to continue seeing the person. I am in a dating situation with a man who is quite nice and has many great qualities - but for now I don’t get much of a “special” feeling about him. Perhaps the notion of hoping for the “wow factor” is just a romantic un-realistic expectation?
The Love Doctor’s answer:
I think people know quickly after meeting someone, if the chemistry just totally isn’t there. Typically, this feeling is based on the pure physical attributes of the person. Do I think that “wow” feeling has to be there immediately in order to continue to see the person? No. You also can develop a chemistry, lust, attraction (or whatever the “wow” factor might be for you) with someone. You can actually become physically attracted to someone as you get to know him/her better and as the many good qualities grow on you. There is a time limit here. If after 4 dates, you still don’t feel any physical attraction to this person, it probably won’t develop. Do I think the “wow” factor is just a romantic unrealistic expectation? No. It is vital to have that passionate, physical attraction to your partner. Without the “wow” factor, you’ll have to settle for being good friends.
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July 24, 2008 at 9:01 pm
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