The Love Doctor: backed by research, not pop culture

Dr. Terri Orbuch interviews Sparkbliss founder on her weekly radio show: podcast

7/21/08 - “Do’s and Don’ts of On-Line Dating”

Studies show that 40 million Americans (40% of all single adults in the U.S.) use online dating services. Join Dr. Terri and Joel Blatt, as they discuss Sparkbliss, a new referral-based on-line dating site. If you haven’t been successful with the usual type of on-line matchmaking sites, Sparkbliss has a new twist on the traditional web-dating scene. Blatt, a former vice president of Oracle, developed Sparkbliss for singles who want to find that someone special but don’t want to give up privacy and control in the matchmaking process.

The Love Doctor Answers Your Questions

Question: Dear Love Doctor,
I’ve recently begun dating a nice person and we are intimate. However, I am less than confident they are “my soul mate” and therefore I wonder if I should keep my eyes open and consider dating other people sequentially and/or in parallel.

The question is timing: should I give my current relationship the full opportunity to develop into something truly meaningful OR cut it off before anybody gets hurt OR continue dating until I find somebody else that I want to date and then sever the incumbent relationship before I start dating the new person?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: Good trusting relationships take time and hard work. They don’t just happen. They are never perfect, and who is 100% confident right from the start? At the beginning of a relationship, some people are unsure if this is the right person and then only time will tell. So, if you are unsure, give your current relationship the full opportunity to develop. But, if you know for sure this person is not the one, then recognize that you are not (N-O-T) going to find a potential soul mate by hanging on to your current relationship. The fact that you would consider continuing your current relationship while actively looking for someone better, tells me that you might be afraid to be alone. You need to end this one before you’ll find the right one.

Question: Dear Love Doctor,
I am in the process of getting divorced and have recently re-entered the dating scene after a decade-in fact I don’t feel like I really was ever on the dating scene since I have moved from relationship to relationship. I have met a really great guy who I definitely feel a connection with but I am afraid of it moving too fast and repeating the same pattern. Most people I talk to warn me about getting too serious too fast and want me to consider dating multiple people or at least leaving my options open. I guess I just don’t really get how to do that when you like one person and want to see how that progresses - how do you really date other people too?? I want to be fair to myself and fair to others. I would like to get remarried one day but I am not in a hurry and want my next marriage to last a lifetime. What do you recommend?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: As a therapist, when anyone ends a long term relationship, I encourage them to sit down and think about: a) why they were attracted to their ex-partner in the first place, b) what was it about the relationship that didn’t work out, and c) how are they responsible for what didn’t work out. Can you answer these questions? This process (not the dating of multiple partners) is what will help you not repeat the same old patterns in a new relationship. My guess is that you have felt emotionally disconnected to your ex- for quite some time. So, although you are just in the process of getting a divorce, you have been separated (emotionally) for a long time. If this is true, you haven’t jumped quickly into a new emotional connection. I would encourage you to stop listening to the people you talk to. You seem to have a good handle on your feelings, go with them. You really want to see how this relationship progresses, and you know yourself. If you say you won’t be able to date multiple people, then you won’t. Remember, just because you are getting divorced doesn’t mean that you can’t trust your feelings. But be honest with the guy in your life. Tell him you want (and need) to take it slowly, but you’re definitely interested.

Question: Dear Love Doctor,
I am curious about your opinion on whether or not that “wow” feeling is something that must be felt almost immediately in a dating setting in order to continue seeing the person. I am in a dating situation with a man who is quite nice and has many great qualities - but for now I don’t get much of a “special” feeling about him. Perhaps the notion of hoping for the “wow factor” is just a romantic un-realistic expectation?

The Love Doctor’s answer:
I think people know quickly after meeting someone, if the chemistry just totally isn’t there. Typically, this feeling is based on the pure physical attributes of the person. Do I think that “wow” feeling has to be there immediately in order to continue to see the person? No. You also can develop a chemistry, lust, attraction (or whatever the “wow” factor might be for you) with someone. You can actually become physically attracted to someone as you get to know him/her better and as the many good qualities grow on you. There is a time limit here. If after 4 dates, you still don’t feel any physical attraction to this person, it probably won’t develop. Do I think the “wow” factor is just a romantic unrealistic expectation? No. It is vital to have that passionate, physical attraction to your partner. Without the “wow” factor, you’ll have to settle for being good friends.

“Sweetheart Swindle” Scam

This is a common con game often perpetrated through online dating sites targeting single women or men.

The con artist will engage the victim in a bogus romantic relationship. At some point, the con artist will indicate they are in dire financial circumstances and perhaps they are waiting on a pending financial settlement. They may also/or ask for a loan for a business or expensive medical procedure, but promise to pay it back when they get the money from the settlement. The devious nature of the relationship may lead to professions of love and even promises of marriage.

As the relationship progresses, the con artist may ultimately induce the victim into signing a Power of Attorney document. This creates the worst case scenario where a victim can be completely drained of financial assets. In some cases, the con artist may induce the victim to change an existing will, naming them as the major heir. Real estate derivative scams are also in vogue where title, mortgage, and realtor con artists are in cahoots.

Unfortunately, victims of this type of crime rarely call the police or FBI. Usually it’s the victim’s family that eventually discovers the scam and reports it against the victim’s wishes. The victim may also be reluctant to prosecute, because he or she’s in love, scared, or just embarrassed.

This is not meant to foster fear-mongering. I personally know a guy (45-years old, successful professional) who was scammed to the tune of $250,000. He is currently working with the FBI to prosecute and recover his losses. This is an example pitfall of public online dating where there is no introduction, no reference, and no testimonial.

Sparkbliss mitigates the “sweetheart swindle.”

Sparkbliss in Seattle Business Monthly magazine

FINDING YOUR BLISS - IF YOU HAVEN’T been successful with the usual type of online matchmaking sites, Joel Blatt has a new twist on the traditional web-dating scene.

Blatt, a former vice president at Oracle, maintains that with the usual online dating services, the odds of meeting a soulmate are about the same as winning big in Las Vegas. In other words, about zero.

That is why Blatt developed Sparkbliss.com, a referral-based dating site launched in March, which Blatt describes as “LinkedIn for dating.” Just like LinkedIn, which allows members to make introductions for networking purposes, Sparkbliss lets anyone be a matchmaker - forwarding friends’ and colleagues’ biographies to potential matches.

While the service is still new, Blatt says the initial response has been extremely positive due to its combination of personal referrals and testimonials, reliable dating references and privacy.

“It’s directly targeted for business professionals who don’t want to waste their time,” Blatt explains. “If you just want as many dates as possible, then Match.com is better than anything else. But Sparkbliss offers a qualitative approach versus playing the numbers game.”

Author: Jasmine Moir

Sparkbliss on BlogTalkRadio with Alan Roger Currie

Alan Roger Currie hosts an extremely provocative show - audio can be found on Sparkbliss.

Sparkbliss Pitch for TechCrunch

TechCrunch: watch the 1-minute video…click here.

Sparkbliss adds relationship expert: The Love Doctor

Sparkbliss is honored and excited to add Terri L. Orbuch, PhD as its relationship expert. She is better known as “The Love Doctor” with live radio and television shows, magazine columns, books, national speaking engagements and workshops.

Among relationship advisors Dr. Terri offers an important difference to doctors Phil, Laura, and Brothers, she is a psychologist, a nationally funded research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, a university professor, an author of five books, in addition to being a marriage and family therapist for over 20 years.

Please click on the Love Doctor page (top of page) and submit your questions in the form of “Leave a Reply / Submit Comment.” Your Love Doctor questions are very important and she will do her best to answer as many as possible, but due to the overwhelming number she may not able to personally respond to everyone.

Responses will be posted as blog posts in the Love Doctor category.

Scientific Study Reveals Surprising Dating Habits for Women

The research study focused on the dating habits of 740 women who had placed online dating profiles seeking men. The results were groundbreaking.  Dr. Padgett discovered that 33% of the women had sex on the first date and 77% of those women did not use condoms.

This statistic was derived in a 2007 study by Paige M. Padgett, PhD. while she was a research associate at the University Of Texas School Of Public Health, entitled “Personal Safety and Sexual Safety for Women Using Online Personal Ads.”

ABC News interview with Sparkbliss (audio link)

ABC News

On June 4, 2008, ABC News Radio reporter Corwin Haeck interviewed Joel M. Blatt, Sparkbliss founder.

Listen to sound bytes.

Quiz: why do you date?

Are you trying to find the right person, just want to date lots of people, or are you purely looking for physical gratification? Your answer to this question should correlate with which dating platform you choose. Of course, nothing prevents you from mixing and matching to address myriad needs.

Scenario 1: qualitative approach

Do you no longer need to “play the field?” Would prefer to date fewer people whom have a greater chance of being the right one? The best way to meet great people of similar interests, backgrounds, and values is introductions from your circle of friends and friends of friends where the odds are actually in your favor (factoid: 63% of married couples met through a network of friends, per a recent study.)

The best platform if this describes you is Sparkbliss.com.

Sparkbliss enables romantic introductions by your private network of friends. It may sound corny and old-fashioned, but through this approach you will consistently meet people worth dating that have long-term implications.

Scenario 2: quantitative approach

Do you need to “sow your wild oats?” Are you in a period of your life when you want to have lots of different dating experiences? The best platforms to date lots of people are those sites which have the largest databases. These sites require you to surrender control of your personal information such that your profile can be easily searched (factoid: 24% of online daters lie about themselves to some degree, per a recent report.)

If this describes you, Match.com would work well.

Their application is tantamount to a “numbers game” where hope is your only strategy. Odds are very low you will meet the right person, but you can definitely go on lots of dates.

Scenario 3: carnal approach

Are you simply looking for physical gratification versus relationship? There are many platforms that facilitate this urge. They operate much like conventional online dating sites, but cater to specific carnal pleasures. These sites also require you to surrender control of your personal information such that your profile can be easily searched. As always, if you publish risqué photos and racy content it can be detrimental to your reputation and career and potentially be used against you in a legal proceeding such as a divorce.

If this describes you, AdultFriendFinder.com would work well.

Their application boasts be “as naughty as you wanna be…” Odds are miniscule you will meet your soul mate, but you can meet interesting characters.

Related Question: do you value your privacy when you date?

Does it bother you to have strangers look at your personal information and foster concern that your sensitive dating profile and photos are published on the public internet? If certain information you have posted on an online dating or social networking site were searched and found would it affect your reputation and career, for example?

The majority of online dating sites require members to create a searchable public profile. By doing so, members effectively surrender control of their personal information. Personal information on the public internet can be quite embarrassing or even career jeopardizing: a lawyer avoids online dating because his colleagues will ridicule him if they find him on a dating site; a teacher is reluctant because students and parents can easily search and find information which could compromise her authority. What you post on the public internet can come back to haunt you later.

Sparkbliss has pioneered “private online dating” which employs privacy best practices to mitigate privacy concerns. It works like this: each member decides who can view his/her bio and thus makes romantic introductions on their behalf; members have complete control over whom they invite into their network.

Related Comment: algorithm approach

There are many sites now that claim they have devised an algorithm to scientifically play matchmaker. The bottom-line is they are still constrained by their active database which often sets you up with your “ex” for obvious reasons.

Net/net: “chemistry is an enigma and no mathematical equation will ever solve it.”